Coming out to your children has to be one of the most difficult decisions anybody can make. So how do you come out?
Here I will outline how I and my partner did this in the most effective and least destructive manner we could. By doing this I hope it may be of some use and support to others going through the same situation? I and my partner have been through this difficult transitional time and come out the other side (no pun intended!) with well adjusted, mature and loving children who are inclusive and accepting of difference. It wasn't an easy journey. However, I think if we had not had some consideration for how we told them we are gay and together so many years ago then perhaps we would be in a different position now?
So How To Tell the Kids You Are Gay?
Telling your children you are gay takes thought. Planning is paramount to any successful action. It doesn't matter if that is business or home/domestic decisions. If you blunder about with little idea of the direction or more importantly the outcome you want to achieve, it can end in failure, disappointment and more importantly in this case, misunderstanding and rejection.
Firstly you have to talk to your partner (if you have one) discuss with them what they want to achieve from telling the children and formulate a plan. It doesn't have to be a plan to rival the D-Day landings but you both have to be 'singing from the same song sheet' so to speak. The worst thing you can ever do as a parent is not support and agree with your partner on major issues relating to the children. There be dragons! Once you have both agreed how, when and where to tell your children you are gay what is the next step?
Our children were 7,8,9 when we told them. Obviously the language you choose to use will depend on the age of your children. Age specific language and an appreciation of how your children may respond is obviously particular to each family. Our plan in telling our children had to include how the children would react at the thought their piers and friends reaction. It doesn't matter how 'liberal' thinking you are or think you are, children of that age are very concerned how they are perceived by the world. With this in mind we had started to introduce the idea of same sex relationships for over 6 months previous to our actually sitting down with the kids and telling them we were together and we were gay.
Family members reaction to telling your children you are gay!
Other family members may not be as supportive as you may like! We had concerns from both sides of our families with comments like 'what if the kids are taken off you' or 'but it isn't normal' and other such nonsense based on ignorance. Legally we consulted our solicitor who informed us being gay is not reason for the courts to remove a child. If the home environment is stable and loving and not detrimental to the child's welfare then there are no grounds for removing the child from their home. This is the UK; the law unfortunately may not be the same elsewhere. We did have to go through the court system and investigations due to my ex-partners (father of her two girls) did not want the girls to stay with us. It took three years but eventually he gave up trying to remove them, he wasn't able to care for them himself but did not like our relationship. All this added stress from other members of your family will impact on your relationship with your partner and inevitably on the children. I think it just made us stronger but I can imagine the stresses being too difficult for many and causing a break up.
The aftermath of telling your kids you are gay?
The surprising thing is that once we sat our three children down and actually voiced the words 'your mum and I are together and we are gay' the three just looked at us and said "is that it"? "What's for tea"?
Their reaction or lack of reaction was a big surprise! In reality they all went away did their own things that evening, got on with homework, watching TV, playing and fighting with each other as usual. It was only over the next few weeks that we got more questions from the girls. Each one in their own way trying to make sense of what we had told them. In reality it did not really make much difference to them as we had been living all together in the same house for 2 years but we had not stated 'we are gay' to them.. as it had not seemed appropriate at the time and their ages had prevented too much interest from them as they were too involved in their own lives!
Ten years after!
Now our children are older teenagers.. 17, 18, and 19 (almost) we have asked them how they feel/felt when we told them we were in a relationship and gay. All three have disclosed that they did get some flack from some people at school when they were very young but once they got to high school we were quite cool parents! They didn't say that at the time when they were screaming at us if we asked them to clean their rooms! They and their friends who have all been here at our house for sleep over's and party's etc are accepting of us and of difference in any shape or colour.. we are not that interesting to them anyway.. are any parents interesting to teenagers? I somehow doubt it!
My conclusions in this are that telling your young children you are gay can seem to be a daunting and difficult decision but you have to tell them some time. They will process the information in the best way they can, given their individual character and the nature of your relationships with them beforehand.
All children will have outside influence that may try to undermine their sense of self, there will be some opposition and even disgust from family and strangers. All children growing up in any family will have to experience some dislike of some aspect of themselves or of their lives but it is how supportive you are as a parent I believe that will give them the resilience to fight against negative comments and open hostility. That has nothing to do with sexuality or what type of relationship you are in; if you are a supportive and loving parent the children have the security to rise above much of the dross thrown their way.
Now we have three strong minded, individual and accepting young women for daughters. They cannot understand the mindset that allows prejudice to determine how someone is treated. They are very supportive and protective of us and our relationship. So although we are on the long long bumpy ride through adolescence and young adulthood which brings many challenges and conflict! We are happy that our children are happy with us and our relationship. Even if they still resist the constant demands to 'Clean Your Room'! Normal everyday life on planet teen!
http://ezinearticles.com/?Coming-Out-to-Your-Children&id=1960265
